131.6kgs

I did weigh myself today but didn't get around to writing down everything I've been thinking about this week. Tomorrow, honest!

131.1kgs

Things have been tough round the Chateau for the past few weeks what with worries about cash flow and schools and adolescent children and all the troubles that go with them. I am a classic comfort eater and have been indulging in lots of comfort food of late. Chocolate has made a regular appearance after dinner. Kilos and kilos of it. Lots of ham sandwiches have been consumed. And yet I've gone down 300g this week.

I'm not complaining. Just recording.

131.4kgs

One word- Chocolate.

This isn't going very well at all, is it?

Still, I'll keep weighing myself and try to think about things more this week.

God, I'm so bored of being overweight and worrying about it.

131 kgs

I'll come back and write more tomorrow.

132 kgs

I did weigh myself on Tuesday and this was the result. So that's good. Or not. I am beginning to give up again. When will I wake up and feel that day? You know, the day when I say, "Right, this is it. I'm going to lose all this fat and get fit!" and I actually do it? I don't know.

I had a shocker of a week. And it's happening this week as well. I seem to be on some sort of salt kick. I've craved (and given into the cravings for) pringles, nuts, savoury snack things. I just can't seem to help myself.

Why do I find food, fitness and all my issues surrounding food and fitness so friggin' hard? Why? The reason I started to weigh myself and blog it here again was because I'd been talking to my husband about losing weight. The time had come when I was seriously thinking about asking the doctor for a referral to a surgeon for a gastric band. I was also considering hypnotherapy. My husband said he would support me in any effort I made, no matter how drastic, to lose weight. At the last minute I told him, "Look, if I try again to do it properly and I haven't lost any weight by this time next year, I'll see the doctor about the surgery..." And here I am, weeks later still bouncing around between 130- and 135kgs with no motivation whatsoever. What is wrong with me. I know a large part of it is sheer laziness which is one of my greatest character flaws, as is my need for instant gratification. Diet and exercise just don't bring the immediate results I want. Oh Christ, who even cares? I'm boring myself now so I'm just going to stop now.

But before I go, I noticed when I watched the last few minutes of the film Back to the Future the other day how very insidious negative attitudes towards overweight people are. Marty has travelled back to the 80s and finds himself back in his house where his parents are suddenly successful (due to Marty having altered the past). His dad is a successful author and has his old school bully working as a general dogsbody. He sees his mother and the first thing he says to her is, "Mom! You're so..... thin!" So you see, even Marty McFly knows, {thin= success and happiness},{fat = failure}. Why can't I get that message through to my thick (covered with fat, no doubt) skull? In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic.

Oh, and I used the converter on my mobile phone to see, out of curiosity, how many lbs 132kgs is. It's nearly 300lbs. I am officially the same size and/or bigger than most of the guests on Ricki Lake. Awesome.

131.1kgs

I made no effort whatsoever last week. I was so disappointed with last week's result that I even sabotaged myself for the entirety of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I even cancelled walking on Thursday morning because I was so pissed off. Because, you know, it's the walking that will suffer, not me. By the time I pulled myself out of it, I had enough wits about me to start planning my meals again. Not real, family mealtime planning but personal, all-about-me planning. Like, if I had a biggish lunch, then I would just mind what I watched for dinner. I was at a wedding last weekend which involved lots of wine drinking, and a special Mexican dish of turkey in chocolate & chilli sauce. True story- I was so drunk that when I asked my friend what the meat in the chocolate & chilli sauce was I thought he told me it was donkey. It got through eventually that I'd not eaten Eeyore but was actually Turkey Lurkey I'd had for dinner.

I've noticed that there hasn't been much snacking or the craving to have a frenzied chocolate session in the past few weeks. That has to be good. It's not that I haven't eaten chocolate at all, just that I've only had very small bits here and there.

Some good news this week was that I bought a frock that was two sizes too small for me and it actually looked very nice. The great thing about the super-stretchy fabric is that it will hopefully continue to look better and better as I hopefully lose weight.

I'm making a real effort this week. Let's see how I do. I have a Mexican cooking class tonight. ¡Viva la fajita!

132.4

Go me! I can gain two whole kilograms in one week! Yay!

Oh wait, I'm supposed to be going the other way. FFS.

I'm not happy. I went to Burger King with Ewan for his birthday party this week and I ate a friggin' salad so that I could have chocolate cake with him later. I know that doesn't make up for me eating chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next two days but still. I went to Burger King and I only had a salad! It didn't even have chicken in it!

If I was one for making excuses, I'd say, "Well, I got my period this week, blah, blah, blah....." But I know that's no excuse.

Oh well. I'll just have to try again.