132 kgs

I did weigh myself on Tuesday and this was the result. So that's good. Or not. I am beginning to give up again. When will I wake up and feel that day? You know, the day when I say, "Right, this is it. I'm going to lose all this fat and get fit!" and I actually do it? I don't know.

I had a shocker of a week. And it's happening this week as well. I seem to be on some sort of salt kick. I've craved (and given into the cravings for) pringles, nuts, savoury snack things. I just can't seem to help myself.

Why do I find food, fitness and all my issues surrounding food and fitness so friggin' hard? Why? The reason I started to weigh myself and blog it here again was because I'd been talking to my husband about losing weight. The time had come when I was seriously thinking about asking the doctor for a referral to a surgeon for a gastric band. I was also considering hypnotherapy. My husband said he would support me in any effort I made, no matter how drastic, to lose weight. At the last minute I told him, "Look, if I try again to do it properly and I haven't lost any weight by this time next year, I'll see the doctor about the surgery..." And here I am, weeks later still bouncing around between 130- and 135kgs with no motivation whatsoever. What is wrong with me. I know a large part of it is sheer laziness which is one of my greatest character flaws, as is my need for instant gratification. Diet and exercise just don't bring the immediate results I want. Oh Christ, who even cares? I'm boring myself now so I'm just going to stop now.

But before I go, I noticed when I watched the last few minutes of the film Back to the Future the other day how very insidious negative attitudes towards overweight people are. Marty has travelled back to the 80s and finds himself back in his house where his parents are suddenly successful (due to Marty having altered the past). His dad is a successful author and has his old school bully working as a general dogsbody. He sees his mother and the first thing he says to her is, "Mom! You're so..... thin!" So you see, even Marty McFly knows, {thin= success and happiness},{fat = failure}. Why can't I get that message through to my thick (covered with fat, no doubt) skull? In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic.

Oh, and I used the converter on my mobile phone to see, out of curiosity, how many lbs 132kgs is. It's nearly 300lbs. I am officially the same size and/or bigger than most of the guests on Ricki Lake. Awesome.